diary of the unemployed diva

once again. yes, once again my life has fallen into a manhole. once again pushed by the unethical world. corporate was a walk in the park compared to start-ups.

my friends keep asking me why i beat myself like this? of course, that was back when I was slightly altered, the non-corporate appearing chick that was just a stupid rebel. i was working for the man, but i refused to "conform"...ah, the 20's. so naive, so full of hope and so ready to smash the corporate rose-tinted glasses. but, i digress...

i used to warn men the very things they loved about me would be the very same things they would come to detest. should the same rule apply at the office? "you're brilliant, smart...blah blah blah". somehow that intelligent, logical, business savvy girl who's real "agenda" was to make the company a leader so she could keep her job, was being escorted by security out the building (not literally, metaphorically speaking). i had no intention of stealing your thunder. i wanted to make you look good so you would have my back. yeah, um, that would be considered unrealistic? insane. i am a chain smoker and tend to put my hand on the lit stove over and over again. or, is it hope? perhaps insanity is another synonym for hope? i am certain it is buried in some thesaurus somewhere.

i was so crushed driving home...hearing the glass clinking in the back seat with every pothole as a mere reminder of my office mug, possibly being chipped, that was on my desk back at the JOB i had. my husband was supportive - he always is. he thinks i am brilliant and will find my way. he thinks of me as not only his wife, best friend, but an investment. the feeling is quite mutual. anyhow, he said to me, "we wear the same underwear". all i could hear were the sounds of the adults speaking on charlie brown. he pushed my chin up and stared into my eyes, "we wear the same underwear". do you get it?". apparently it is a saying in arabic meaning we are one; this is our problem, not mine alone. ok, fair.

i had a tactical solution to my situation.

1. pack things (check)
2. swallow my pride for the first time (check?)
3. change status on facebook and linkedin i am looking for a job (check)
4. go home (check)
5. get home and FREAK OUT (CHECK, DOUBLE CHECK, 2 BOTTLES OF RIESLING CHECK AND CHECK)
6. go through all my memorabilia from the last 2 jobs including this one and throw all reminders out (check)
   
7. update resume (in process)
8. call friends i haven't spoken to due to being a workaholic (check)

#7, in my opinion, is only a tactical solution because my strategic solution is coming up with some brilliant idea that will let me stay home, eat all day, get lipo every 6 months, live on the internet as i almost already do, and be the recluse i naturally am. yes, i am a shy introvert. everyone thinks i am a bitch. seriously, though, i am in love with my husband and kids and all i want to do is be a good example, a strong women and mother and show my kids being yourself is not synonymous to an underdog. the most important thing is being with them as much as possible. i guess i got my wish...when will i learn you have to extremely detailed with your wishes or you will end up with literally what you asked for?

i needed to vent a little. i would love to go into detail about the stories of my demise and the characters who were all part of this tragedy, but i just don't have the energy in me (even though i will spend countless hours on the internet updating my profiles and sending frivolous, random comments to other's posts). what can i say, i am a sucker for validating people.

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